


Past, Present, Future

by H_L_Hunter



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes & Peter Parker Friendship, Bucky Barnes Feels, But I LOVE IT!!!, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, How Do I Tag, Jewish Bucky Barnes, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Or at least his mother was, Phil Coulson Is a Good Bro, Precious Peter Parker, Self-Indulgent, Steve has a pet goldfish called Peggy, This is probably really bad....., Tony Stark Is a Good Bro, We all love Peter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-28 04:47:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18203738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/H_L_Hunter/pseuds/H_L_Hunter
Summary: [ Steve: ] Want some company?It was a long shot. Bucky had made it clear many times he wanted to be alone for a little while, but Steve could always try.[ Bucky: ] Yes :-)Steve smiled.[ Steve: ] Count to a million; I’m on my way <3CONVERSATION ENDEDWhen Bucky leaves the Compound on a road trip to clear his mind, he disappears when a threat nearly manages to kill the Avengers. With the threat gone, Steve tries to find Bucky again, only to find that he didn't actually want anyone to find him.





	1. "Count to a million, I'm on my way <3"

**Author's Note:**

  * For [everythingisconnected](https://archiveofourown.org/users/everythingisconnected/gifts).



> Hello! This is actually my third work in this fandom but it's the second I have published. The only thing you need to know that hasn't been explained is why Peter and Bucky are such good friends, but this I will publish in another fanfic at a later date when I finally manage to finish it. Other than that, just two points: 
> 
> \- (added because I was afraid I would be accused of plagiarism) This was inspired by a prompt given to me anonymously online which was basically take a plot or storyline from a different fandom and incorporate it into one of your choice. I chose the NCIS story arc where main character Ziva David leaves the show and rewrote it for Stucky :)
> 
> \- This does not follow canon - there was no fight in Germany, and instead everyone talked everything out and Bucky was allowed to return to the Compound after going to Wakanda to have the trigger words removed.  
> -I t’s Director Coulson in this because why the fuck not?
> 
> I do hope you enjoy this! This Stucky fic is for my good friend, everythingisconnected, and her lovely girlfriend who I am not sure whether or not she is on this site too. Anyways, for my darling best - and only - friends, this is for you.

 

* * *

Bucky had been gone for a little over a month now. 

After the gruelling process of removing the trigger words, and the even more gruelling process of kicking General Ross off of the Accords Committee, Bucky was allowed to return to the States to live at the Avengers Compound. He was pardoned of his actions whilst under HYDRA’s control, Tony having - surprisingly - argued that no one should be condemned for actions they didn’t even know they were committing, even if he had caused the deaths of innocents. There was a long period of settling in, of realising that everything was going to be okay and that HYDRA could never get to him, of learning to trust people when he had spent so long relying on himself, and an even longer period before the extremely kind and helpful therapist from the New Accords Committee to deem Bucky stable enough to travel wherever he wanted unsupervised, but Steve had not left his best friend’s side for any of it. Steve had been there every step of the way, through ever nightmare and every flashback, through every difficult therapy session with Dr. Barnum and every awkward movie night. Sure, the others had been there too; everyone had made room for Bucky and accepted him as a part of their strange little family just as they had done with Spider-Man, but Steve was the one who never gave up even when it was getting difficult. He hadn’t been alone in this; Peter - Spider-Man - had taken a shine to Bucky and had seemed insistent that he be there to help with anything, and that kind o of innocence and desire to help people reminded Steve of something he just couldn’t put his finger on no matter how much he tried.

That was why Bucky’s sudden decision to leave the Compound and go on a little trip was such a strange one. 

“I’ve been through a lot, Stevie, I just need some time to think about things. Being cooped up inside isn’t helping and I think a short trip would help. Dr. Barnum cleared me months ago; I’ll be fine,” Bucky had argued whenever Steve tried to convince him to stay, but the super-soldier had reluctantly let Bucky do his own thing. They’d said their farewells and Bucky had gotten into the car Tony had let him borrow, driving off as Steve just stood there waving even when he couldn’t see the car on the horizon. 

For that whole month, Steve and Bucky had spoken every day on the phone. It was mostly just Bucky calling to check in and tell Steve what he had seen on his drive. He’d stayed in NYC for the first week, just looking around the sights and visiting all the places he remembered from his and Steve’s shared past, but soon travelled a bit further as he decided to head to DC to see the Washington monument and other attractions, stopping in Baltimore along the way just because. He seemed to be happy every time they spoke, and although Steve found that their shared quarters at the Compound felt empty without Bucky there, he said nothing. He’d only just gotten used to having the love of his life back by his side that the rooms felt too big for just himself again, but he could never seem to pick up the courage to tell Bucky how he felt. The others had picked up on his mood, but kept quiet. 

It was during one of those lonely nights that Steve awoke after a mere hour of sleep for no reason at all. It took him a moment to realise where he was, but after that he just slumped back down against his pillow, glanced at the clock, and rubbed his eyes when he found out it wasn’t even one in the morning yet. He’d retired to his room three hours ago and hadn’t even managed to keep his eyes closed for a damn hour… 

_ “Steve? Steve, wake up.” _ A voice said from the other room, but it wasn’t coming from the room itself. When Steve was more awake to realise just who it was calling his name, he was scrambling to the laptop Tony had given him and sat down just in time for a box saying “missed call from  _ Bucky _ ” to appear on his screen. 

“Damn it,” Steve muttered to himself, clicking on the Skype button. 

_ [ Bucky: ] Sorry I missed you _

“You didn’t miss me, Buck, I’m right here,” Steve said to the computer as he typed out a reply. 

_ [ Steve: ] Where are you? _

_ [ Bucky: ] On a bus to Indianapolis _

“So much for a face to face,” Steve continued typing.

_ [ Steve: ] Indianapolis? Exploring your roots or something? _

_ [ Bucky: ] Something like that. Reconnecting. Thinking. _

“Thinking? That’s dangerous this late at night,” The super-soldier sat forward on the sofa so he could properly lean over the coffee table the laptop was sat on. 

_ [ Steve: ] Thinking about…? _

_ [ Bucky: ] At the moment, you. _

Steve froze, rereading the words as a surprised smile played on his lips. He didn’t dare hope Bucky felt the same way as he did, but he remembered the flirting back in the 30s when no one else could see. He just hoped Bucky did too. 

_ [ Bucky: ] you and a million other things. I heard about the Committee. _

Ah, the Committee. Apparently Ross was trying to make an appeal to get its current members fired and replaced by people he deemed worthy, even though the President and the Avengers had all agreed Ross was not fit to lead the Committee in any way. The entire situation just pissed Steve off. 

_ [ Steve: ] They haven’t called us in. _

There was no immediate response, but Bucky was still online so Steve just waited, sighing and rubbing a hand down his face to get rid of the last remnants of sleep. 

_ [ Steve: ] Want some company? _

It was a long shot. Bucky had made it clear many times he wanted to be alone for a little while, but Steve could always try. 

_ [ Bucky: ] Yes :-) _

Steve smiled. 

_ [ Steve: ] Count to a million; I’m on my way <3 _

_ CONVERSATION ENDED _

As his smile grew bigger, Steve brought up an airline website and searched for the next flight to Indianapolis. There was no need to take the Quinjet and he liked flying commercial, and he thought maybe Bucky would appreciate it if he didn’t make such a ruckus. And Steve would do just about anything to see Bucky right now. 

* * *

Six hours later and Steve had a duffel bag packed by the door to his quarters at the Compound. He’d informed FRIDAY of where he was going and the AI had alerted each member of the team when they awoke. No one who was awake had given any protests, so Steve just continued to get ready. He walked out of his bedroom, flicking off the light and pulling on a jacket when he stopped in the small living area to pull out a pot of fish food and sprinkle it into the bowl his goldfish swam around in happily. 

“Alright, Peggy, listen up,” Steve said to his goldfish, bending down to peer into the bowl as Peggy happily ate her breakfast. “Wanda’s gonna feed you while I’m gone; maybe I’ll bring you something back from Indianapolis.” Peggy stopped swimming for a minute, staring at Steve before continuing to eat her food. “Don’t give me the fish eye, I know what I’m doing. Maybe it’s not the brightest idea, but it’s not the 40s anymore. I’m not going to be locked up for loving a man, so, all bets are off.” As Steve stood up, he glanced at his watch and realised he needed to get going or he’d miss his flight, but before he could leave his phone pinged. It was a text. 

_ Where are you? Airport? _

“A little impatient, are we?” Steve said as he began to text back, smiling at the fact that he wasn’t being told not to bother. 

_ Almost. Still okay that I come? _

_ Very. Safe flight, say hi to Peter for me before you leave xo _

Steve moved to put his phone in his inside pocket, but something caught his eye before he could. A red dot. A moving red dot. The next thing he knew the captain was diving to the ground as bullets shattered the windows of the small living area, breaking any object they came into contact with including a lamp, a porcelain panda Clint had bought him as a joke, and a beer bottle Steve had forgotten to throw away. He ducked behind the sofa, reaching for his bag where he pulled out the gun Natasha had given him  _ just in case _ , but the second he aimed it at the window everything stopped and the room went quiet. Too quiet. Steve dared not move, but he did speak. 

“FRIDAY?” He called out, voice steady as it hid the tremble of fear that shivered through him, “are the others alright?” 

“Mr Wilson has a grazed shoulder and Boss hit his head trying to duck for cover, but other than that everyone is safe, Captain,” the AI replied, and Steve let out the breath he hadn’t realised he was holding. A different voice soon filtered into the room. 

_ “WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?” _ It was Tony. Steve gingerly got to his feet, not taking his eyes off of the window as he moved to grab his shield from its place by the door. Once he had it, he replied. 

“Put the Compound on lockdown, and everyone get to the War Room,” he ordered, and heard affirmatives through the speakers. Metal shutters started to close over the windows and Steve quickly opened his door to leave the room before he became locked in, stopping momentarily to grab his bag before he rushed to meet up with the others. 

* * *

“Okay, someone please tell me how the fuck a group of assassins managed to shoot through bullet-resistant glass on the grounds of the most secure facility in the entire world?” Tony asked, anger in his tone though Steve could tell it was more directed at himself. They were in the War Room, a dark room that had been set aside specifically for mission briefing which held more monitors than the rest of the compound combined. Vision was wrapping a piece of gauze around Sam’s upper left arm, Wanda was sat on Vision’s other side visibly shaken up, Tony was pacing back and forth as he muttered to himself and flicked through schematics on his STARKPad, and on some of the monitors were the faces of the rest of the Avengers. Natasha had blood running down a gash on her forehead and she sat next to Clint, who seemed worse off than everyone as his hair was a mess, his eyes were puffy and red, and he was hugging a sleeping baby Nathaniel close to his chest as if the entire world was about to rip him from his grasp. T’Challa seemed fine, and had confirmed that there had been no attack in Wakanda, but he had answered the call nonetheless, and Scott had confirmed that he was fine and was on his way to the Compound as they spoke.

“It was Ross,” Natasha said, “I recognised the uniform of the men. They were Ross’ men and I’m pretty sure he orchestrated this to either kill us all or scare us into backing down.”

“How can you be so sure?” T’Challa asked. 

“Only Ross has gone that far off the rails that he would try and kill the Avengers,” Clint said, shifting Nathaniel in his arms, and Steve agreed.

“It might have been HYDRA, though,” Sam argued, and everyone seemed to agree that yes, it very well may have been. The agency wasn’t gone yet, despite how much they fought them, and they would have been smart enough to have been able to get through the security of the Compound. 

“It’s best that we all lay low for a while until we’ve really got a handle on things,” Steve told them, trying his best to be a calm voice of reason and the leader the team needed. Clint argued back saying that he was at his own home and he couldn’t get much lower than that, but that was the fear for his family’s safety talking and very soon arrangements were being made to have S.H.I.E.L.D agents assigned to each Avenger until the threat was contained. Coulson confirmed he already had a team dispatched to gather evidence and get to the bottom of it all, and soon had agents on their way to everyone’s locations, starting with the Barton homestead. 

“Does Barnes know what’s going on?” Tony asked, stopping his pacing to stare directly at Steve. Steve reached for his phone, but found no response to his texts or his missed calls. All his messages had been read though.

“He does,” Steve replied, “he’s in Indianapolis off the grid and I’ve told him to keep his eyes open.” A brief silence fell over the team, only being interrupted by Happy Hogan appearing on one of the screens to let them all know that he’d picked up Spider-Man and his aunt and they were all on their way upstate. 

* * *

It took nearly an hour for S.H.I.E.L.D agents to deem the outside of the Compound clear of enemies. Whoever had been there was long gone and soon everyone was filtering out of the room one by one, the others disappearing from the monitors too. Soon Steve and Natasha were the only ones left, and that was only because the Captain had asked the spy for a word. 

“So, let me get this straight,” Natasha spoke, “you want me to track down a former HYDRA assassin who has been trained to disappear?” 

“He is also a member of this team who has been under intense scrutiny and could very well be in danger from a man who wants him locked up.” Steve added. 

“And you want me to find him without letting anyone else know I am looking just in case this does turn out to be Ross?” Natasha continued, and Steve nodded. Natasha replied with a simple “affirmative” and the monitor went black, and it was only then that Steve let himself sink into the chair with his head in his hands. He reached out for his phone, dialling the number he now knew off by heart, and held the phone to his ear, praying. 

_ “Hey, this is Bucky and you’ve reached my voicemail. I’m pretty sure you know how to use this better than I do so just do whatever it is you’re supposed to do and I’ll reply when find my phone.” _ _ _


	2. "I WILL..."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ""Stop This For Him?" Stop what? And for who"? Steve asked, and Natasha shrugged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is the shit chapter, but the next one is really sweet so please keep reading?

* * *

It took two weeks for there to be any kind of progress, at least on Natasha’s end. As it turned out, it had been Ross and the man was now in S.H.I.E.L.D custody at the request of the President. In those two weeks Steve had calmed a very worried Peter Parker down from a panic attack when he found out that he or his Aunt May could have been seriously hurt or even killed by these people, he’d sampled some of May’s cooking and found that even his politeness was not enough to force down that mess, and Steve had left so many voicemails on Bucky’s phone the inbox was full. His head spun every time he tried to think, every time he tried to figure out where Bucky would go to or what he would do, especially seeing as how he had no connections anywhere other than the Compound. People knew who he was now so he couldn’t just hide, and surely he would have called back by now even if it was just to say “I’m okay” and then hang up. Tony had to force Steve to his room to sleep, ironically, saying “you won’t be able to find your boyfriend if you’re dead on your feet, Capsicle”, and Steve was so tired he didn’t even argue that Bucky wasn’t his boyfriend. Yet. The fear of losing Bucky again had gripped him so tightly he made a promise that as soon as they found him, and they would, he’d tell Bucky everything because damn it he was not losing him again!

It took one call from Natasha to change everything.

Steve had never run so fast in his life, Natasha speaking into his earpiece as he rushed to turn the monitor on in the War Room, explaining that her digging had led her to a motel room in Indianapolis under the name of James Barnes where there had been reports of gunshots. The monitor flickered to life to show the spy’s point of view as she carefully pushed open the door of the room. It had been completely destroyed, bullet holes littering the walls and overturned and broken furniture making the place an obstacle course. Steve’s heart sunk as Natasha continued to methodically check each corner of the room, heading into the bathroom before confirming “Clear” and returning to the main room, putting her gun back into its holster. There was nothing there. No evidence of Bucky having ever been at the motel. The more and more Natasha looked, the more and more Steve felt like his heart was about to shatter.

“There was definitely a struggle,” Natasha said as she moved through the room, “there’s no bodies to it may be possible whoever this blood belonged to got away, or they were moved from the room. Barnes was here though.”

“How do you know that?” Steve asked.

“Because he told us,” Natasha stated, moving past the empty wardrobe to the only out of place thing in the entire room: a photo frame on the bedside table that had not been knocked over. Well, it had been as the glass was smashed, yet someone had taken the time to pick it up and put it back, before hanging a Star of David necklace on the corner.

Steve knew that necklace, and when Natasha picked it up and flipped it over, the tiny, faded initials _E.D._ were engraved for all to see. _Elisheva David_ : Bucky’s mother, a Jewish woman who Steve had loved like he was his own family too. This was all in Bucky’s file, so it was no surprise Natasha noticed it. When he looked back at the photo, it took a few moments for him to realise just whose faces were staring back at him. In the grayscale photo, the man on the left was James Montgomery Falsworth, fellow Howling Commando and a man Steve had once trusted with his life. He was stood next to a much younger yet also much happier Bucky Barnes.

“I’m sending a jet, Nat, come on home. You’ve deserved a nice long break,” Steve told her and she nodded, cutting the comms.

* * *

Hours later and Steve was helping himself to a beer as he stared at the metal panels blocking the nights sky from his view. There was a lot to piece together and none of it made sense. Why did Bucky even go to Indianapolis? How did he find his mother’s necklace? And where did he go after the fight? Was he hurt? A ping drew Steve’s attention from his small kitchenette into the living area, where his laptop still sat at the table. The super-soldier approached it with caution, the week’s events still at the front of his mind, but when he sat down he only became more confused. Skype was up, the conversation with Bucky from days earlier still on the screen, but now an image had joined the chat. Another black and white photograph, but a different one from the one Steve had seen earlier that day. It was still of Bucky and Falsworth, yet this time the two of them were not posing for the camera and instead appeared to be in the middle of a game of cards. The two had been good friends during the war, both of them fighting to ensure their many siblings back home remained safe.

“Talk to me, Buck,” Steve said to the computer, “where are you?”

* * *

Steve had left the next morning with little more than a message through FRIDAY saying he’s gone to find Bucky. The only responses he’d gotten were from Tony telling him to call for backup any time, and from Peter asking him to say Hi to Bucky for him when he found the man. The kid was back at school now, and apparently he and Bucky were really good friends. A good night’s sleep had helped him to clear his head and he now had a hunch, so he flew out to Indianapolis himself to follow up his hunch. Two weeks without contact was far too long for Steve, but it was also too long for the Committee who were worried HYDRA had gotten their hands on Bucky and taken him back to wherever they were now hiding, but Steve wanted to remain optimistic. A little voice in his head, one that sounded suspiciously like Bucky, kept telling him everything would be okay all throughout the flight, so when he landed he didn’t expect to find Natasha waiting for him, especially when she had told him she had gotten on the jet back to the Compound.

“I have information,” she stated simply, so Steve followed her into the car she was stood next to and soon found himself staring at a dated file with an S.S.R insignia on the front, waiting for Natasha to explain.

* * *

“As it turns out, Indianapolis has more to do with Barnes’ past than we thought,” Natasha began, starting the car as Steve opened the file, “he was born here; moved to New York when he was six because of his father’s work. He’d lived in an apartment building nearby to the motel he’d been staying at.”

All this was new information to Steve. He remembered that his best friend had moved to NYC in his youth, but had never known where from. Steve flicked through the file, finally settling on a picture of a school.

“That’s where Barnes and his siblings went as children,” Natasha continued, “yesterday, a teacher had seen a man matching his description walking the grounds. He buried this-” the spy pulled out a piece of yellowing paper that appeared to have been torn out of a book from behind the photo, familiar words filling the page:

~~_I WILL:_~~  
 ~~_Be a firefighter_~~  
 ~~_Own a dog_~~  
 ~~_Live in a castle_~~  
 ~~_Marry my best friend_~~  
_~~Have a boy and a girl~~ _  
  
STOP THIS FOR HIM

 

“- in the grounds, and then he fled,” she finished. Bucky had written that list the day they first met, though it was a little while before they became friends.

“” _Stop this for him_ ”? Stop what? And for who?” Steve asked, and Natasha shrugged.

“That is what concerns me, but I don’t have any reason to believe it has to do with HYDRA. This list is too sentimental for that to be the case,” she reasoned, and Steve was inclined to believe her. For years that list had been the most important thing Bucky owned, having added the final two points to it after they had become friends. It was always pinned up on his bedroom wall proudly and Bucky would show it to anyone who would look at with with a big smile plastered over his face.

Steve didn’t know how long he was reading for, but soon the car was stopping and Natasha was climbing out, so Steve followed suit. She led him up three flights of stairs to a set of apartments, nodding to the door furthest on the left. It was the same apartment number as in the file; the one where Bucky grew up. But that was not where Natasha was taking Steve. He took her to the apartment opposite, where the door was open and they walked on in without a fight.

* * *

A half hour later and they were having tea with a woman with long dark hair and bright blue eyes. Apparently her name was Dr. Elizabeth Jones, and she was the daughter of an old friend of Steve’s, James Montgomery Falsworth.

“I inherited this place from my father,” Elizabeth explained as she picked up her teacu, gesturing around the small yet cosy apartment littered with items of sentimental value. “I never knew Sergeant Barnes but my father would tell me stories about him and about his war days all the time. They didn’t realise they had grown up across the hall from one another until they met out on the battlefield.”

“When was the last time you saw Sergeant Barnes,” Steve asked her, and suddenly her demeanour seemed to change as she kind smile that had been on her lips disappeared.

“Uh… not for a few weeks. When he first came to Indianapolis. H-he said I was his first stop in the city and w-we talked for a few hours before he left.” It may have been the stutter but something threw Steve off with that answer, but he sent it to the back of his mind for the time being. Instead, he just pulled out the List and placed it on the table, taking in Elizabeth’s puzzled look.

“What can you tell us about this?” he asked her, and she shook her head.

“Not much, I’m afraid,” she replied, “these are called ‘Wills’. Mrs Everson would have all her students write a list when she taught their year, saying that if you buried the piece of paper in the ground and thought about it every night, it would come true. My class was the last year she taught before retiring.”

They spoke a little while longer before saying their thanks and getting up to leave. Steve’s mind was reeling. It was all a mess and a mystery, and they only seemed to be hitting dead ends. He was barely keeping himself together when Elizabeth called his name and he stopped to turn to her.

“He mentioned you,” she said, though she seemed a little uncertain when she spoke, “he mentioned you a lot. I can see now what he felt for you,” Elizabeth gestured at the ‘Will’ Steve still he’d, “” _Stop This For Him_ ”. The him could be you.”

“We’ll find him, Steve,” Natasha told him when they were back in the car, placing a hand on his shoulder in one of her rare displays of affection. Steve could only nod.

* * *

It turned out S.H.I.E.L.D could hack into any cameras it wanted to wherever they wanted to in the world, which was how Steve found himself sat in Bucky’s motel room staring at footage from the day beforehand as he tried to find a person who had been trained to blend in. Rubbing his eyes, Steve took a bite of his sandwich as he waited for Natasha to get off the phone and explain why he was staring at a screen that didn’t seem to be doing anything to help find Bucky.

“S.H.I.E.L.D managed to track where Barnes sent his last message to you from. The WiFi signal came from this café,” Natasha finally explained to Steve, sitting down next to him. “Now, we wait-”

“I’m fed up of waiting,” Steve said, sighing in defeat. He handed the tablet to Natasha and got up, moving to stand by the window and stare out a the busy city. He was tired. He was so tired.

“You really do love him, don’t you?” Natasha asked him. Was it that obvious? Steve had spent his entire life in denial of the fact that he had fallen head over heels in love with his best friend that he thought he would still be able to keep it a secret, but apparently his facade was no longer what it was. He’d been so happy with the idea of getting Bucky back that he hadn’t thought about what it would be like to lose him again, and it was crashing Steve.

“I’ve been in love with Bucky since I was fifteen years old,” Steve admitted, “I thought I’d been given a second chance when he was allowed to come and live at the Compound, but I’m starting to think I was wrong.”

“Don’t think like that,” Natasha reprimanded, “we just need to keep looking and we’ll find him.” Steve wanted to desperately to believe it that he sat back down and stared at the tablet again, just in time to see an ambulance pull up near the bottom of the camera. It confused Steve at first, so he kept an eye on it, and as soon as the first ambulance pulled away a second one pulled up.

“Is there a hospital opposite the café?” he asked, and Natasha glanced at the map. She nodded, but before she could ask why it seemed to also click in her head.

“Barnes may have been injured and gone to a hospital to be patched up,” she said, and was soon tapping away on the tablet to bring up the view of the other side of the street. Within seconds, there was Bucky on the screen wearing a black jacket and a baseball cap, metal arm clutching the flesh one as he spoke with an unidentifiable person in a white doctor’s coat.

“He’s hurt!” Steve all but exclaimed, earning him a startled yet understanding look from Natasha as she zoomed into try and find out who it was Bucky was talking to. As it turned out, it didn’t take very long as the doctor turned around, and Steve was running from the room in seconds. Natasha followed very quickly afterwards.

* * *

Steve was stood outside of Elizabeth’s door when she opened it, so she turned on her heels and practically stormed back inside.

“You lied to me,” Steve said, following Elizabeth into the apartment, “you said you hadn’t seen Bucky in weeks.” He got no reply, “if you think you’re protecting him, I’m on his side.”

“I know that,” Elizabeth argued, but Steve was having none of it.

“Then why did you lie to me?” He asked, and by this point Natasha had arrived. Her hand was twitching over her gun as Elizabeth crossed her arms and stared Steve down, which for a 5’1’’ woman was impressive.

“Barnes came to me after he had been attacked. I stitched up the wound in his arm and took him to my home so he could rest, but then he started talking about old time with my father,” The tears were starting to fall, “he did not realise that whilst he had been HYDRA’s puppet he had been my father’s murderer.” Steve unfolded his arms, the anger leaving him in seconds as the truth hit him. “He was going to walk me down the aisle the very next day, but the Winter Soldier took not only my father but my fiancé as well in a single shot.”

“And you told him that,” Steve finished, and Elizabeth nodded.

“And he tried to explain it away. He claimed he had no recollection of the events, that he had been brainwashed, but all I could see was the smiling face of the people I loved. He begged me to forgive him. I could not.”

“Where did he go?”

“I do not know,”

”Don’t lie to me.”

“I didn’t do anythin-”

”You knew he was in danger and you lied to me. I asked you point blank-”

“And had it been anybody else I would have said yes,” Elizabeth argued. “Why should he have the man that he loves, when he took two of my loved ones from me?” The captain didn’t reply, he just turned and headed for the door. Ignoring everything the doctor had to say.

“Sergeant Barnes is gone, Captain Rogers. When he left me that night he was not the same person!“

* * *

If it had been any other day, Steve would have gone down to the gym to punch some bags or throw his shield at targets until he felt he had gotten his anger out of his system, but Steve was far from home and knew that doing such a thing wouldn't help anyone. Instead, he had returned to the motel room and gone to sleep. It was late anyways, and Natasha had suggested that maybe it would help the captain clear his mind. She offered to keep searching, so Steve took up her offer. The nap - it couldn't be called _sleep_ because Steve was barely out for two hours - had done wonders to clear his head, and when he sat down on the floor and surrounded himself with all the information they had, a few things started to click into place. The apartment in Indianapolis, Falsworth's photograph, Dr. Jones… and before Steve knew it be was picking up his phone and calling Natasha, who was out getting them lunch.

“Nat, how do I bring up the map option on the tablet? I think I may have a lead.”


	3. "You are so... Loved."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Steve, you are so..." Bucky trailed off in a whisper, words seemingly getting stuck in his throat as he visibly swallowed. The captain closed the small distance between them.  
> "So what?"  
> "...Loved"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS chapter is the fluffy and angsty one. Well, it's more light angst with Bucky having a shitty self esteem, but still :D

* * *

_“You're looking a little worse for wear there, Captain.”_ Director Coulson commented as he spoke with Steve through the tablet. It was true, Steve had let himself go a little bit as he hadn't the time to shave or get much sleep in the week since Natasha has returned to New York. If he hadn’t such an advanced metabolism he would have severe bags under his eyes by now, but Steve hadn’t stopped except for when his body was nearing physical exhaustion.

 _“Agent Romanoff’s report was just submitted, how much longer will you be?”_ Director Coulson asked, but Steve gave a shrug.

“I can’t say; I’m hoping the lead I have will be the right one but I’m not holding out much anymore,” he admitted, his face falling slightly though he tried to keep things together in front of Coulson, who just gave a sympathetic smile.

 _“Well, when you’re ready to come back, we’re just a call away,”_ Coulson said, _“don’t give up hope. We’re all worried about Barnes, and I’m sure he out there waiting for you to find him and bring him home safely again.”_ Steve nodded, suddenly not trusting his voice not to break if he tried to give a verbal reply. They bid each other goodbye and Steve turned the tablet screen dark, putting it down to instead stare out at the overgrown apple orchard behind the small, rundown farmhouse whose porch he sat on.

“You know how hard that was,” he said aloud. He didn’t need to turn his head to know who was stood there in the doorway to his left, flesh hand pressed firmly against the wooden frame and the metal one resting on his hip.

“Coulson was wrong,” Bucky said, voice steady, “I did not want you to find me… and yet you did.”

“I should have told him,” Steve sighed out, still staring ahead. Bucky let his arm drop from the door frame to slap against his thigh before he span on his heels and marched inside through the dining room of the house in a cold stride. Steve scrambled to his feet and hurried after him.

“You cannot beat down my door one minute and expect me to face my old life the next!” Bucky all but exclaimed as he went to storm off.

“Hey!” Steve started, making Bucky turn around, “I had to take the call-”

“You did not have to do any of this!” Bucky told him, face stern yet an icy fire burned behind his eyes as he glared Steve down. “Why are you here?”

“Because you invited me.”

“That was before…”

“Before what?” Steve asked, but Bucky gave no answer. Instead, he just said “you should not have come” and walked away into the living room, leaving Steve behind him as he slumped down onto the ratty sofa and held his head in his hand. It was a good minute before Steve moved, slowly shuffling to sit down on the other end of the sofa where he rested his arm along the back and lifted a hand up, letting the golden Star of David necklace dangle between them. A moment later and Bucky took the necklace into his hands,

“Old friend,” he said, clutching it tightly in his hands,” thank you.”

"You asked how I found you," Steve said, looking intently at his best friend, "for a long time I was looking ahead. I kept telling myself, " _you know how he thinks. You know Bucky. All you have to do is anticipate his next move_ ". Then one night I had a dream. Everything was all lined up. Together. Your childhood home in Indianapolis, Fulsworth’s photograph, you, your new friend Dr. Jones. The when I woke up I knew you weren't looking ahead, you were looking back." Bucky didn't respond. Instead, he just watched as Steve got up and circled the sofa as he looked around the room.

“I mapped out your steps from the day you left: I tracked you down to Queens where your father passed away in the retirement home, then to Brooklyn to your old home where your mother had lived up until her own passing. Then to your grandparents’ graves in Baltimore. To the opera house in DC where you took me for my fifteenth birthday…” Steve crouched down behind the sofa, laying his arms along the back close to Bucky, “and finally I found you here, of course, in the house where you were born.”

Bucky finally spoke, eyes averted back to his hands. "When I found out my father died recently... returning to these places seemed... necessary. It started off as a good thing, but then I saw Dr. Jones and I-" he stopped and took a deep breath, his eyes starting to fill with tears. Steve’s face twisted in confusion.

“This… can’t all be because of her-”

“No, i-it’s not because of her- it’s because of me!” Bucky tried to explain, but nothing he said seemed to make any sense in Steve’s mind.

“Bucky, you’d been brainwashed,” Tony stated bluntly, “you didn’t realise you had killed Fulsworth; one person loving him doesn’t change that.”

“Yes, but he was my friend and I loved him!” Bucky argued, finally turning to face Steve properly, “just as I loved my father and my mother and my siblings a-and you!” The former-assassin ran a hand through his long hair to pull it out of his eyes, “how can I not think, that for every man I killed there is someone out there crying for him?" The tears started to fall and Bucky hastily wiped them away.

If Steve had any reaction to Bucky’s words, he hid it behind a straight face. “It’s a part of the job, you’ve got to leave it at that.”

“Dr. Jones blamed me,” Was Bucky’s response, “I thought that by returning to these places I would somehow replace all that, but each stop just made it clearer; she was right. The centre of all that pain is me.” Everything about Bucky just seemed… defeated, as if he had given up completely. Steve wasn’t about to give up now. He opened his mouth to argue but Bucky didn’t stop. "This is me, Steve, this is what I made of myself!” he admitted, “but... it's not who I wanted to be."

Steve got up again, walking back around the sofa until he took back his old position next to Bucky. "I know," he said quietly, reaching into his pocket to pull out a square of paper which he unfolded as the confusion grew on Bucky’s face. When fully unfolded, he held the sheet of lined paper up in front of his friend. "You wanted to be a firefighter.”

Bucky snatched the paper from Steve’s hand, looking over the yellowing page in disbelief. " _"Stop this for him"_?" Who? Fulsworth? Me? God?"

"This was supposed to stay buried," Bucky said, folding up the paper.

"Natasha was looking for you too." Steve explained.

"... This little boy was strong. He could have walked away from HYDRA’s world," Bucky whispered, more to himself than Steve, "things would have been different." With that, Bucky got up and walked to the window, paper still in his hand.

"It's never too late," Steve said, watching Bucky walk away until the man turned back with fresh tears in his eyes and simply stated "yes it is." At this, Steve got up and followed Bucky to the window, leaning against the wall next to it.

"This is the house that you were born in," Steve said with a small laugh, "the universe is practically begging you to wipe the slate clean." Bucky said nothing, simple stared sadly at Steve until the super-soldier took the paper from his partner's hand and unfolded it once again. "I did notice that there is plenty of space on the back of this list... to start another one?" He said, holding the empty side of the paper up with a hopeful smile. A smile that Bucky didn’t yet returned, even when he took the paper back once again.

* * *

Bucky closed the small tin box, effectively sealing the list away forever before placing it in the shallow ground under the apple tree and covering it with dirt. Steve kneeled next to him the whole time, understanding that this is something the love of his life had to do on his own but wanting to be there nonetheless. Bucky didn’t look up until he had smoothed down the dirt and laid down the spade, dragging a hand down his face as he climbed to his feet. Steve did the same.

“Feel better?” Steve asked, but Bucky shook his head honestly.

“No, but it’s a start,” he admitted.

“You don’t have to do this alone,” Steve told him, but got no reply. Silence enveloped them both, the only thing disrupting it being the sound of the mockingbirds singing in the trees. “Come back to New York with me,” the Captain said, and the second he did Bucky sighed as if he knew it was coming.

“The first thing on my new list was “I will not fight anymore”,” Bucky explained, a slight hint of sadness behind his words.

“I’m not talking about the Avengers,” Steve continued, effectively cutting Bucky off, “you could bag groceries at the local supermarket for all it matters to me. Just come home. I… I just want you to come home. With me.”

“I don’t think that’s a ve-” Bucky tried to walk off, but Steve grabbed his hand and held it tightly cut him off again.

“Listen,” he said, voice barely a whisper, “I know it’s hard, and I know you wanna change,” they stared at each other, Bucky’s eyes laced with emotions Steve hadn’t seen since the war. “I can change with you,” he promised. In the silence that followed, Steve took a risk and lifted up Bucky’s flesh hand in his own, kissing the knuckles gently whilst refusing to avert his gaze. Bucky froze, but only for a moment, because as soon as the peck finished he placed both his hands on either side of Steve’s face and lent forward. At first it looked like he was going for a kiss, but at the last second he hesitated and instead just closed his eyes, leaning his own forehead against Steve’s.

“I’m fighting for you, Bucky. ”

“I know.”

* * *

Something in Steve had known right from the very start that this would not have the ending he had desired, and his suspicions were confirmed when he found himself at the airport late the next night with Bucky by his side. He was clean shaven now and dressed in fresh clothes. The Quinjet was there waiting, but only one of them had their bags packed. They stopped a little way away from the ramp, the pair just staring at the jet that was going to separate them once again.

“There’s still time to change your mind,” Steve said, turning to face Bucky. Bucky looked up, then back to the jet, and Steve just sighed. “What am I going to tell people?”

“That you were right,” Bucky replied, “that I have to start over, and that means staying away for a little while. Steve gave a laugh.

“Okay, you and I both know that is not going to work for Peter,” Steve remarked, and at the mention of the web-slinger Bucky gave a sad smile of his own.

“Tell him… tell him I am honouring him,” was Bucky’s reply, but this only led to confusion on Steve’s end. Bucky seemed to be able to tell because he replied with a simple four words: ““ _Stop this for him_ ”.”

“Of course,” said Steve, pieces clicking in his head, “Peter.”

Bucky smiled, a real one this time. “I want to make him proud,” he admitted, “he taught me to do what I think is right and I know that I have to-...” he drew in a deep breath let it out shakily, “that I have to do this. Alone. I have to let go of everything… or I will be… pulled back to where I started. Tell him that for me. He’ll understand.” Steve nodded.

The Quinjet’s engines began to start up, a warning that it was preparing to take off whenever Steve was ready to climb aboard, and even though a part of him wanted to tell the agents to leave without him so he could stay behind with Bucky, he knew that was not his decision to make.

“Steve, you are so…” Bucky trailed off in a whisper, words seeming to get stuck in his throat as he visibly swallowed. The captain closed the small distance between them.

“So what?”

“... Loved.” Steve placed a hand on Bucky’s cheek, moving it down slightly as the two of them drew in closer until they were kissing what would be their first - and possibly their last. The moment seemed to last forever for them both, the pair of them moving in sync with one another until they finally had to pull apart. There was a brief yet emotion-filled pause, before Steve leaned in for one last peck.

“This is not easy,” he whispered, lips twisting into a sad smile as he reluctantly let go of the man who held his heart and started to walk backwards towards the ramp. It was only as he went to walk up into the jet that Steve looked back, giving Bucky a wave. Bucky let out a half-sob with a sad smile of his own and waved back, before Steve disappeared up the ramp to where Natasha was waiting for him.

“Ready?” she asked. Steve glanced back behind him one final time.

“As I’ll ever be,” he said

* * *

The jet ramp lifted as Steve sat down, and by the time they had taken off he’d pulled a piece of paper and a pen from his bag, writing the words “ _I WILL_ ” at the top in his neatest handwriting before underlining it. Without any idea of what else to write, Steve clicked the pen closed and put it into his inside coat pocket.

When they’d finally land at the Compound, he’d respond to the team’s questions with the simple sentence “ _hardest one-eighty of my life_ ” before asking to speak with Peter in the kitchen. Even though he’d know everyone else would still be able to hear him from there, he’d also know that they too would need to hear the message Steve had for their youngest member. It was a plan he had all intentions of sticking, but before he could plan ahead for any other possibilities, his fingers grazed over something small and cold in the very same pocket he’d placed his pen in. He reached for the object, ignoring Natasha’s look at his confused face, but his confusion soon melted into happiness laced with hope when he lifted up and dangled the unexpected item in front of him. It was a gold Star of David necklace.


End file.
